It just wouldn’t be Valentine’s Day if I didn’t include one of my favorite Coverage Opinions’s pieces. This ditty originally appeared in the February 13, 2013 issue of CO:
Happy Valentine’s Day. Guys, if you have not yet bought a gift you are getting really close to the point of having to stop at CVS for a Whitman’s Sampler and a card that has been rejected as not good enough by 412 people. Not to mention that it no longer has a single sharp corner or an envelope that fits. Boys, take it from experience, this is not the way you want to go.
With Valentine’s Day tomorrow it only seemed appropriate to use this Cover-age Story to share a love song. Paul Simon briefly attended Brooklyn Law School (it’s true – lots of websites say so). Imagine if he had finished and then went the insurance coverage route. It would have only been a matter of time before someone with those songwriting skills, who spent his days cranking out disclaimer and reservation of rights letters, would have come up with this beautiful tune.
50 Ways To Leave No Cover
The problem is all inside your head she said to me
People paid for a liability policy
And now your desk has paper in piles
And people screaming about upcoming trials
The answer is easy if you take it logically
Just close those files and set yourself free
I’d like to help you in your struggle
With those large loss reports that you must juggle
There must be fifty ways
To leave no cover
Your notice was late Kate
And then you didn’t cooperate
That’s not an occurrence Terrence
It’s impaired property Lee
You furnished alcohol Paul
You intended that Matt
We’re just excess Bess
We reserved on Buss Gus
Your claim relates back Jack
You spilled pollution Lucien
It’s a four corners state mate
That’s not PD Bea
The plaintiff’s your employee Dee
You’re just not an AI Ty
You never gave notice Otis
Your payment was voluntary Jerry
An insured, a dog is not, Spot
You had knowledge of falsity Leigh
We just never intended to cover that Pat
You prejudiced us Russ
That relief’s only declaratory Lori
You’re not legally obligated to pay Jay
That’s not trade dress Les
There’s misrep. in your app. Kap
We defended but we don’t have to indemnify Guy
We’ll just investigate Nate
Your claim’s not first made Wade
There’s other insurance Vince
You’ve got an uninsured share Claire
The damage is your own work Kirk
Wrong policy term Thurm
We forgot to reserve but we still didn’t waive Dave
It’s TCPA Faye
Or call it a junk fax Max
It’s not an accident Kent
We don’t cover an assault Walt
We lost your file Kyle
And your file too Lou
Your watercraft’s not less than 26 feet Pete
Emotional injury is not BI Di
That’s not a professional service Gervase
I just ignored my boss Ross
We don’t cover recall Saul
The policy is void Boyd
That’s mobile equipment Clint
That’s not a suit Newt
And for absolutely no reason at all, your claim’s denied Clyde
There must be fifty ways
To leave no cover
A tribute to Paul Simon’s classic “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” may seem an odd choice for celebrating Valentine’s Day. But despite a title suggesting otherwise, it is a love song. After all, the song is about a woman providing advice to her lover, on ways that he can leave his wife or another woman. I mean, how’s that not a love song? That’s as romantic as anything Karen Carpenter ever belted out.